Somewhere in the Middle

I was born somewhere in the middle of the 1970’s.  I ended up being somewhere in the middle of four kids.  I am somewhere in the middle of fat and skinny and somewhere in the middle of bad looking and good looking.  I am an average girl with an average job who drives an average car and lives in an average house.  I don’t turn heads walking down the street.  I don’t have guys falling over themselves to meet me. I will never have the body I used to and it has been a battle in my mind longer than I care to admit. But then a good thought took root… somewhere in the middle of this 37 year old body, God created life and I grew three beautiful boys. I have the scars and marks to prove it and they are my proud badges of motherhood.  So, the older I get and the more my body changes with wrinkles showing up and places that used to be firm going pudgy, I have learned to work harder on what’s inside—something I should have been doing all along. I wish I could go back about ten years and tell myself to not worry about my appearance so much.  Because somewhere in the middle of my heart is a kind person who does her best to help others and make people laugh. I am richly blessed with meaningful relationships and that’s what matters.  Somewhere in the middle of my being, I have learned to accept myself in total--good and bad—just the way I am…today. Amazingly, it took going through a divorce and really learning to like myself again to figure it out. Oh, that I could have learned the wisdom of self-acceptance long ago and saved myself some anguish. Not that I won’t ever have doubts or still fight the aging process, but what I do know is that I’m ok with me.  I hope you are ok with you, too.   So to all of my friends:  I want you to know, if you don’t already, that it really is quite lovely to be somewhere in the middle.  Meet me there!

Commence whining

Sometimes the feeling of being alone hits me like a train.  Probably 95% of the time, I am more than fine with where I am at in life.  But there are moments, usually in the midst of a struggle of some sort, where it’s blatant that there is nobody here to wrap their arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be ok.  I could be dating somebody or not dating somebody, but nobody has taken the time to understand all of me and my life.  And that feeling sucks, my friends.  I am fighting a legal battle while raising three kids on my own and working three jobs and I am TIRED.  And there is nobody here to take over for me.  It’s just me. 

I don’t know why I felt the need to write this, but to all of you that do have somebody, I hope that you appreciate the fact that there is that one special person who really truly cares whether your day was good or bad.  A person that you can tell anything to and you know you are safe in doing so.   I know that no relationship is perfect, but to have the daily support of your partner is priceless.  Maybe it would be better if I didn’t know what it was like.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for and I truly am.  Just needed to whine a little bit. I haven’t done it in a while, so allow me these few moments…

There, I feel better now.  I am going to think about my trip to Hawaii instead of this depressing crap. J

Beware the "Christian"

There are some dates that are forgettable. I wish I could forget this guy, but it just won’t go away. So, maybe by putting the memory out in cyberspace, it will leave my mind. This one happened a while back.


Leading up to this date, I talked to “Hugh Hefner” on the phone quite a few times, as he lives two hours away in a small town. We really hit it off over the phone and something we discussed many times was the importance of our faith. Seemed like we were totally on the same page in that area. He was as discouraged at the lack of honesty, morals, etc. he kept finding in people as I was.

*Digression alert* I have learned that guys will pretty much agree with anything you say if they think there is a chance of getting, you know, “lucky.” So, to that effect, I have learned to be skeptical. If someone agrees with me too much, the warning bells go off. Plus, I don’t want someone who agrees with everything I say. How boring is that? *End digression*

So, anyway, it did seem nice to find someone that shared my frustration, but I was curious to see if he really lived out what he said. (If you are a student of literary foreshadowing or really, have just read my blog, you know what the answer is to that.)

Ok, on to the date. We decided just to meet for lunch on a Saturday. The first problem was that, for a country boy, Hugh had no sense of direction and got lost on the way to the restaurant. He called me at least twice to figure out how to get there. Now, if I am saying someone has no sense of direction, it must be bad. I am not known for my navigational prowess, especially since there are no mountains here as points of reference.  Plus, we live in the age of google maps and gps, which are my best friends. But he finally made it there. (I know I am being hard on the guy; it really wasn’t that big of a deal—I just thought it was kind of strange for a self-professed “manly-man.”) First impression was that he was nice looking but he got out of the car and started griping about the traffic. It was Saturday in Manhattan, Kansas! I was not aware that we ever have traffic problems, outside of KSU  home football games, and this was not one of those Saturdays. Ok, so he was definitely “small-town” minded, but that is not necessarily a deal-breaker.

We proceeded to have lunch and immediately, it seemed to me that Hugh took possession of me the second we met, or so he thought. I do have personal space issues anyway (yeah, my problem, not his), but physical over-familiarity after first meeting someone really gets on my nerves. But actually, aside from that, we had a very nice lunch. Conversation was good. We laughed a lot and really enjoyed each other’s company. I was pretty excited about seeing him again after the date ended. I even called my Mom to tell her about it. That rarely ever happens. It was what happened after the date that became the issue.

Hugh told me he was a “writer.” Really, anyone can say that. Heck, I could say that, if I wanted to, since I have my very own personal blog, which is such a rarity these days. He asked me for my email address so he could send me some of his “writings.” (I did not reciprocate the offer because I just never know who I may end up writing about on this blog. Good call!) He proceeded to send me countless emails and as I was reading through them (which all had horrible spelling and grammar, by the way), it became apparent to me that these were lengthy forum posts of some sort. Ummm, news flash—posting frequently in online forums does not make you a writer! Anyway, the other thing that became abundantly clear was that this man was a MAJOR sexist. He griped about women drivers. He complained about not getting to sample a woman’s cooking on the second date. And it went on and on. But the clincher was the personal email he sent to me. Without getting too graphic here, he basically went on and on about his sexual preferences, his sex drive (he could go for 8 hours or more at a time. LIAR!), blah, blah, blah. It was so completely inappropriate and way out of line for having just met someone for lunch. So, yeah, the “Christian” was worse on this topic than people I’ve met that don’t profess any faith at all. When did common courtesy and respect fly out the window? Why didn’t I get that memo? 

Needless to say, I let him know that he was out of line and that I wouldn’t be seeing him again. Maybe he needs to go open a mansion since he’s such a stud and no one woman has been able to satisfy him.

Except he wouldn’t be able to tell them how to get there.

Time to go old school!

What I've learned--Wisdom from The Beckyard

I know I haven’t posted in months, but honestly, there just hasn’t been much to tell. My dating life has been the usual. While I have had better dates in general and even what was kind of a relationship for a little bit, I have decided that I carry something in me that is like kryptonite to men. I’m not really sure what “it” is; all I know is that nothing ever works out the way I hope. And I know that there is a reason for that, but it doesn’t necessarily make me feel any better about myself. So, while I may be unlucky in love, I am slowly, finally becoming ok with that.


Of course, the end of the year is for reflecting and so here is what The Beckyard has learned:

-There is more dishonesty in people than I ever would have believed. I have been lied to more times than I can count by guys. It can make one pessimistic, but sometimes a healthy dose of skepticism is ok.

-If a guy’s card is declined on the first date, that is not a good sign.

-The dating world of 30 somethings in Manhattan, KS is quite small.

-People that proclaim themselves as strong Christians can sometimes be the worst dates of all. (I need to write about that one still!)

-The whole “cougar” phenom has gotten out of control. If you are closer to my kid’s age than you are to mine, you are TOO YOUNG for me. I don’t care what your stupid fantasy is.

-Always trust your gut. I ignored mine way too many times. (Obviously!)

-Never recycle relationships. If it didn’t work the first time, there is a good reason.

-Anyone can make you smile, but not everyone can make you happy.

-If someone has to convince you they are a good fit for you, it won’t work. If it is meant to be, you won’t need convincing.

-I will not accept being an option. Nobody should.

-When I meet “him”, I’m pretty darn sure I will know it. Skeptic or not, I still believe in love.

-The past two years have taught me more than I could ever imagine. But I’m really kind of sick of learning!

Happy New Year, my friends! MUAH! :)

The crap I think about

More late night musings from my distorted brain…


I have been doing a lot of self-analyzing lately. After meeting a lot of people and a lot of bad dates, mediocre dates, and good dates, I often wonder if I am asking for too much. You see, the people that like me “that” way, I don’t like “that” way. And the ones that I do feel like I click with, well, something always seems to ruin it, usually within the first couple of weeks. So, that leads me to the questions-- is there something inherently wrong with me and I just don’t know it? Are my friends and family just too darn nice to tell me what my fatal flaw is? Am I too picky in what I am looking for?

I feel like I have a lot to give, but nobody wants it.

Is this too much to ask for? ONE person to date and do things with. Someone to give a crap about whether I had a bad day or a good day. Someone who wants to see me whenever they can and makes me feel special. Somebody that wants the attention that I so long to give. Of course, also the usual stuff: job, own place, own car, sense of humor, intelligence, good teeth, etc. (You know I gotta put the teeth thing in there!)

I know fairy tales don’t exist, but I do want the feeling of my heart being all twitterpated when I see him. I have a ton of wonderful guy friends. But I do want more than a friend. I wish I could make myself be attracted to someone, but I can’t, even if I think that person is great.

I can only be who I am. But being me is getting tiresome.

So, I am asking for some input. Tell me I am crazy. Tell me I am living in a fantasy world. Tell me why I am jacked up. Tell me how to fix my expectations. Tell me there is no way I can have it all. Tell me I should just settle for “good enough.”

Maybe this time, I will believe it.




What really happened



Welcome back!

My friend, David, is home on r&r from a deployment to Iraq.  Here is an email exchange he had with a woman online before he came home.  Hilarious stuff!  Welcome home, David!

From initial contact to final contact:

Her: Hi there. Enjoyed your profile. Maybe we can talk and get to know each other?

David: I'd like that. But I feel I have to be honest...your profile is very long, very hard to read, and you seem to be putting people down and judging them before even speaking with them. Maybe you could refine it a little, and put more about who you are, and what you want, rather than talking down on others so much? That said, you're a very intelligent woman, and I think I'd like to talk more. By the way, I am not trying to insult you in any way. Just a helpful hint. Talk soon, David.

Her: I'm sorry that you are intimidated. But I have 4 pages full of messages from men that aren't. So while I appreciate you trying to help me, you can suck balls!

David: Sweetheart, I have a bachelors degree in Philosophy, a masters in Foreign Relations. I speak Mandarin, Farsi, and Russian, was well as english (obviously). I turned down a Rhodes Scholarship to go to West Point and serve my country. Trust me, I am not intimidated.

Her: Wow, that is VERY impressive! Perhaps I was a little harsh. You will be back in 2 weeks? We should get together and put all of this behind us, and see where things lead.

David: None of that was true. So, suck balls!

Pimp Daddy David

Ummmm....huh????

So, I have taken a break from the online dating stuff for a while. (Can you hear the sigh of relief coming from my mom?) These things go in cycles for me. I go on some dates, get sick of the work and time involved in getting to know people where nothing ever works out, and then sign off for a while. After some time, I get lonely enough that I decide to give it another shot. So, during this lull, I have some fillers for my blog.


Below are some initial contact emails that I have received. I wonder if these guys really think that starting out a conversation with this type of email is going to work? My standard message when I find someone that I am interested in is to say something I found interesting about their profile, say hello, and tell them to let me know if they are interested in talking to me.

It’s really not rocket science. I have not edited these in any way whatsoever. My responses follow.



Why do you scare me so much.....

(Because I am 5’3” of pure sarcasm. If you can’t handle it, move along.)



Hi..........

(If you don't have anything more interesting to say, then bye………….)



You didn't say if you'd be ok with all my girl friends. Are you a viscous and jealous type or as long as I set you up good for the night is it ok if I go see one of my other girls?

(Actually, I am not viscous at all. I consider myself more of a solid.)



Hi there I hope you didnt mean all that you said on you profile

(No, I write things like my profile purely to confuse the hell out of anyone that reads it.)



random sex is cool

(And I am sure it happens to you all the time, judging from the “A” game you bring to your emails.)



VERY INTERESTING. SO YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE CHEMICAL COMPOUNDS TO CREATED THE NUCLEUS OF A RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT THE PROTONS AND NUETRONS INTERACTING NEGATIVELY, BUT IN UNISON, TO DEVELOPE INTO THE BIG BANG THEORY. NICE. OK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I JUST SAID, BUT IT MAKES SENSE TO ME.

(I don’t know what you just said either. But you shouldn’t say it again. To anyone. Ever.) --thanks to buddy David for that response!

Even Dubya's confused!